Joke of the Day

[kmon]

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, bathed regularly, quit chasing women,
stopped cussing and quit his poker games!

He even started cutting the grass around the church, painted the church
building, and was faithful to be the first parishioner to attend on
Sundays!

Rev. Thibodeaux asked Boudreaux what caused the wonderful change that had
come over him.

Boudreaux explained, "I heard dem say on da TV, “Crisis in the Gulf, an if
He’s dat close, I wanna be good to go!"

[kmon]

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[kmon]

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[kmon]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann, and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Mrs. Miller, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

[montana]

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[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout,

"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, when he was 98, he died.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[kmon]

I am a Seenager

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.


Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


Old age is coming at a really bad time.


When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?


Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.


At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

[kmon]

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

[montana]

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[kmon]

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas.

[kmon]

[Fess]

Gee thanks Kmon! <sarcastic>
Now I'm afraid to order a load of gravel for my driveway! :eek:

[kmon]

[kmon]

[TexHill]

A lady's dog keeps scratching its ear so she takes him to the veterinarian to have him checked out. The vet looks at the dog's ear and says to the lady, "Your dog has a bad ear infection. I'm going to put some drops in there for now, but you might want to consider clearing the hair out of his ears so that it doesn't recur." "How should I do that?", the woman asks, and the vet tells her use a depilatory like Nair to remove the hair.

On the way home the lady stops at the drug store and asks the pharmacist if he sells Nair. The pharmacist gets her the Nair and tells her, "if you use this on your legs make sure and not shave your legs for a week afterwards." The woman tells him that it's not for her legs to which he replies, "Well the same is also true if your going to use it on your armpits." The lady answers," It's not for my armpits, it's for my schnauzer." The pharmacist answered, "Well in that case don't ride a bicycle for a week after."