Son: Dad, I want to marry.
Dad: Say Sorry.
Son: For what?
Dad: Say Sorry.
Son: But for what?
Dad: You first say Sorry.
Son: But what's my fault?
Dad: You first say Sorry.
Son: But at least tell me the reason!
Dad: First say Sorry.
Son: Ok Dad! I'm Sorry!
Dad: You are now ready for marriage, my son. Your training is complete. You have learned to say you're sorry without any reason.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what is the differences?"
The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"The Jewish bra'" she replied, "Makes mountains out of molehills!"
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'It did make light;
you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said
The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the
pearly gates'.
The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties..
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
NugginFutz Wrote:I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?
I’m a horses ass for laughing so hard at this. I even came back twice so I could reread it to commit it to memory.
Nothing kills the incentive of men faster than a healthy sense of entitlement. Nothing kills entitlement faster than a healthy sense of achievement.
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Montana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He had his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”
He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said “Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.”
At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive.
So, as we’re both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I’m sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!”
And he said “Thanks! But actually, I’m William. This little turd’s name is Collin.”
Killing Time A police officer was patrolling
late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight,
he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the
car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the
wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a
young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to
the car and gently rapped on the driver's
window.
The young man lowered his window.
"Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop asked, "What are you doing?"
The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
He asked, "What's your age, young man ?"
The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... What Now? "
George and Travis deer hunting in south Alabama. Travis goes to tree to relieve himself and gets bitten in nether region by rattlesnake. Travis tells George, “call the doctor and find out what to do!!”
George does and doctor replies, “Well, George, make a small incision at point of snake bite and suck the venom out.”
Travis asks, “George, George, what did doc say?”
George replies, “Doc said your gonna die brother!”
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
