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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Printable Version +- 6.5 Grendel Forum (https://65grendel.com) +-- Forum: 6.5 GRENDEL FORUM NEWS (https://65grendel.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5) +--- Forum: Announcements (https://65grendel.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=24) +--- Thread: 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) (/showthread.php?tid=16359) |
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-03-2018 [SIZE=4][SIZE=2]If the mods will allow it, I'd like to start a humor thread which lives in the Announcements sub board. No need to keep starting new ones, but just tack your favorite (clean) brand of humor to the end of this one. In honor of our board's host, Blunt Force Trauma, I submit the first joke from a town in Minnesota not far from where he lives... [/SIZE][/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
The Bravest Firefighters [/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
[/SIZE]
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegian's, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on video asking, "A totally amazing performance by you and your team! What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve got ta do is fix da brakes on dat durn truck!" 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-03-2018 A guy is driving around the Montana outback and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. You talk? he asks. Yep the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says So, whats your story? The Lab looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Ten dollars, the guy says. Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? Because hes full of crap. Hes never been out of the yard 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-04-2018 Didn't see it coming. I Like it.
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - StoneHendge - 06-06-2018 Always being a fan of self deprecating humor, there was a rather vintage white Saturn in the supermarket parking lot today proudly wearing this sticker: [ATTACH=CONFIG]12030[/ATTACH] 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-06-2018 Philosophers of the century ~ Jean Kerr... The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Jean Rostand.. Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ WH Auden... We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ Jonathan Katz.. In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Johnny Carson... If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Steve Martin... Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ John Glenn... As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ David Letterman... America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Old Italian proverb. After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. _________________________ 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-06-2018 A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex." 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-06-2018 "If god is within us, as some people claim, then I hope he likes enchiladas cause that's what he's getting." [INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]John Handey[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT] 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-06-2018 The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie" Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?" The man replied, "New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." ------ The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1 Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - IescapedCali - 06-06-2018 “A man is a fool to cut more firewood than his wife can split and stack in an afternoon.” -my dad 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-08-2018 He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When he had finished, he went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-husband called the woman, and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely, and said that he missed the old home terribly. He asked if there was any way she would consider selling the house back. Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.................... ........including the curtain rods. I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, DON'T YOU??????
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Kswhitetails - 06-09-2018 An Austrailian Oligarch's only son, having just graduated college - sum-couma-loudly -, asked his daddy for his graduation money. In what some consider as an affront to good parenting, he paid his son off, to the total of 10 million, (AU). Having been raised inside a house where money was made at the drop of a politicians hat, he had long ago decided he wanted to make his own way, not rely on government dealings or for that matter, daddy; for support or profit. And hay, I just graduated college, and suma-couma-loudly too! I can do better than dad, I'll show him. So, he set out with his new hard won millions, and having wisely decided that mining for precious gemstones was probably the best business venture to make his fortune, he flew down to the forrests of South America, and bought a mining lease from the local tribe. His first real problem was that he graduated with a women's studies major, and had no idea how to do it. No worries, he thought, I can hire someone who does. His first stop was the Culinary Institute of Texas; world renowned for generating the finest minds in the kitchen. "You get things set up so that you can feed the miners, and make sure my men eat well. I can't ask them to work as hard as they do, and risk their lives what like they do, on a less than stellar diet." Yessir! I'll take good care of the meals and bellies. Second, he needed a manager. He travelled to the venereal MIT and recruited a logistical-analytical-engineer, knowing that if anyone knew how to coordinate all the various functions of minework, surely this kind of mind would. And his newest recruit had also just graduated sum-couma-loudly, too! "I need you to make sure the place stays organized and running like a top, wasted efforts and time mean lost revenue, and lost prosperity for all of us." Sure, I'll set up some systems to ensure things run like you'd never dream. Next, he knew that with any industrial environment, but especially mining, that medical treatment for injuries, sickness, and exposure were going to be prevalent. I need to go get the brightest mind I can find to run the new med bay. So, he travelled to St John's Hospital School of The Ailment, and asked to speak with the brightest student about to graduate. He thought to himself, hey, if I can get them a few weeks before they graduate, then I can save a little. I mean hey, they aren't actually a DR yet, right? Brilliant! When the student came in, she was all ears, and eagerly signed up for half the expected pay. "I need you to make sure that the medical services here are second to none; that the men and women who leave their kin to work here are well off health wise; that when something unfortunate happens you are able and prepared to save their life and limb." Oh, yes, sir. That's what we do, in the medical profession. Lastly, he thought, all these different systems are going to need a healthy supply chain. So, having heard that Japanese companies often were overrun with extra stocks of now unnecessary supplies, he thought to go to Japan to recruit someone that would - even if it was inadvertent - would be able to keep supplies available for the mines "systems" as they grew and expanded. "I want you to do what you know. Make sure that the warehouses are full of whatever you think the other of your counterparts think they may need in the next 90 days, and ensure that purchasing charts and tables are made and arranged for so that the profit generating system we've built here goes UN-interupted." Oh, yess sur. Aye vil mak-a soor ting go vewwy werr for you, espesiaewy win you get backah herreh! - Maybe one of these days I'll get used to his accent he thought, but dang, can he ever do a fine job! Two weeks after everyone was on board, and things really seemed to be running like a Swiss watch (why wouldn't they be, I graduated sum-couma-loudly!), he thought to himself that he'd go supprise good old dad. So off he went, back to Sydney to have lunch with the pops and maybe even to rekindle the teenage lust with one of the St Mary's Nunneries less than sanctified members... After a week, he decided that the nunnery wasn't the bastion of hope he had remembered, and told his dad good bye, promising riches to the family coffers and prestige to the name. Things did not go as he had planned on his arrival, there was no car at the airport to greet him and swiftly carry him to the mine office. This meant that he had to find a phone, and place a call to the site office, which went un-answered. Strange, but maybe there's been something happen between here and there I don't know about. He hopped into the cab at the curb, and coughed up the $15(US) asked of him to swiftly convey him and his luggage to the mine. When he first saw the state of things, he couldn't believe his eyes. Nothing was running. No one was moving. The place was for all intents and purposes abandoned, save for three of the four generals he had recruited and installed personally. Only the supply officer was missing, and when asked the other three in unison stated that they had no supplies with which to run the mine. There was no food to cook. There was no fuel or batteries with which to allow the "systems" to function, way out here in the forest. The medical bay was close to being bare, but that was less of an issue because there weren't any medical issues due to lack of men and women to treat on site anyway. Where's Mr Kim? He had this place moving like a well fed machine last I was here, which wasn't all that long ago! - We don't know, haven't seen him since you left. Last we heard, one of the men saw him looking curious over at the mineshaft late one night. That's the last we can figure. We've searched the mine, the area, no trace. Well, since this was his responsibility, and because he would owe the man's parents for his life if he died, he took the three, formed a search party, put the last of the fuel in the generator, and they headed down shaft. Things didn't look good, in fact they looked rather desperate. The farther they had to search for Kim, the less likely it was that they would find him alive - if they found him at all. "Poor Mr Kim" he heard himself say, more times than he wanted to remember. On they pressed, with each turn thinking they'd stumble upon the corpse of the poor man at the crest of every turn. When they had come as far down as the mining machines had gone, they saw no trace of anything, they turned around. They thought for a moment, and together decided that the best thing to do was expand the search topside. Upon this aggrement, they made their way back toward the shaft elevator, when without any warning, and with great shock and loud bangs, a sparkler in each hand, adorned with illuminated glasses showing smily-faces overtop of each eye, Mr Kim jumped out, big as life and screamed - SUPPLIES! 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-09-2018 Less is more The ophthalmologist said to Mr Osaka "I'm sorry sir but you've got a cataract". Mr Osaka replied " Me no have Cataract. Me have Rincoln". 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-10-2018 Crusty Wrote:Less is more Yeah. With all respect to kswt, a shaggy dog is more suited for verbal delivery, not written. 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-10-2018 Thought about startin' a new thread but this doesn't seem worth it and it fits here anyway so here we go. My air bed has had a very slow leak that I can't find and it leaks down from my 99 sleep number to around 30 overnight, which results in me waking up with a sore back. I had an idea of how to fix it and I just spent the day using a spare Arduino microcontroller and a few parts wiring, configuring and programming an accessory for my bed control which (essentially) mashes the increase button every 3 hours to refill my bed so that I can wake up chipper and ready to eat tigers. This project has been endorsed by the Foundation for the Inappropriate Application of Technology and I'm hoping to be featured in the future at There. I Fixed It. [ATTACH=CONFIG]12050[/ATTACH] 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - BluntForceTrauma - 06-11-2018 Gotta hand it to ya! That's some pretty clever Rube Goldbergin'! 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-11-2018 Ya ain't seen nuthin' yet. I'm studyin' right now to add an accurate real time clock so I can make it refill my bed only at certain times of each day. I slept like a rock last night and hopped up this morning and ate a tiger. Now it was just Tony, but I did eat the box too. ☺ And here it is in its enhanced glory with an accurate real time clock added so I can control to the second when my bed reflates. [ATTACH=CONFIG]12068[/ATTACH] 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-11-2018 DRILL PRESS: [INDENT]A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. [/INDENT] WIRE WHEEL: [INDENT]Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh sh!#... [/INDENT] SKILL SAW: [INDENT]A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. [/INDENT] PLIERS: [INDENT]Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. [/INDENT] BELT SANDER: [INDENT]An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. [/INDENT] HACKSAW: [INDENT]One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. [/INDENT] VISE-GRIPS: [INDENT]Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT] WELDING GLOVES: [INDENT]Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT] OXYACETYLENE TORCH: [INDENT]Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. [/INDENT] TABLE SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. [/INDENT] E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: [INDENT]A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. [/INDENT] BAND SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. [/INDENT] TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: [INDENT]A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. [/INDENT] CRAFTSMAN* x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. [/INDENT] PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. [/INDENT] STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. [/INDENT] PRY BAR: [INDENT]A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. [/INDENT] HOSE CUTTER: [INDENT]A tool used to make hoses too short. [/INDENT] HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:[INDENT]Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.[/INDENT] EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:[INDENT]Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.[/INDENT] TWEEZERS: [INDENT]A tool for removing wood splinters.[/INDENT] PHONE: [INDENT]Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.[/INDENT] SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: [INDENT]Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.[/INDENT] TIMING LIGHT: [INDENT]A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.[/INDENT] AVIATION METAL SNIPS:[INDENT]See hacksaw. [/INDENT] TROUBLE LIGHT:[INDENT]The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. [/INDENT] HAMMER: [INDENT]Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit. [/INDENT] AIR COMPRESSOR:[INDENT]A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. [/INDENT] DAMMIT TOOL: [INDENT]Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT! at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/INDENT] 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - ricsmall - 06-12-2018 Nuggin That’s freaking hilarious. Gave me a good laugh for the day. Thanks!! 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - StoneHendge - 06-12-2018 While preparing for my club's monthly meeting tomorrow night as fire dangers rapidly escalate in my region, I found some research done by the National Forest Service on bullet types and wildfire risks. Hoping to start a thread on it elsewhere so we're all educated, but the following quote in researcher speak certainly belongs here: "In the study a high-speed video camera was used at frame rates of 8,000 to 100,000 frames per second to attempt to capture impact fragmentation and impact flash. Usually the camera was positioned from behind the bullet as it was fired. Researchers found that a camera placed in front of the bullet lasted only one series before being destroyed by a fragment." 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-14-2018 A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy? The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper"… |