2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day)

[Kswhitetails]

Buahahahaha!

[Djgrendel]

A man walks into a crowded bar waving a pistol around, and yells out "I have a colt 1911 with a full magazine and one in the pipe, and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice in the crowd called out, "You are gonna need more ammo!"

[kmon]

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth .

He says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever
living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

[kmon]

Bills's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and panties in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Bill gulped: "My glasses, please."

[NugginFutz]

A preacher finished the service one Sunday morning by saying, "Next
Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for
my sermon I would like you all to read Mark 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the
congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you
have read the chapter, please raise your hand." Nearly every hand in the
congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to.
Mark has only 16 chapters."

[Frontier Gear]

Nuggin,
I actually know a preacher that did basically that same thing once. It didn't go over too well.

[NugginFutz]

Nuggin,
I actually know a preacher that did basically that same thing once. It didn't go over too well.

Was he from New Mexico? Because a pastor from a church I used to attend did just that.

[Frontier Gear]

Was he from New Mexico? Because a pastor from a church I used to attend did just that.

Nope. Here in Washington, but my congregation grew by a few people after that.

[grayfox]

A man calls his doctor back for his physical checkup results.
Doc says , "I've got good news and bad news..."
The man says, "Tell me the good news first then."
Doc: "You've only got one day left to live!"
The guy drops the phone to the floor in shock. Then he picks it up and says, "that's good news? what's the bad news?"
Doc: "I tried to call you yesterday!!!!"

[Crusty]

"There's a lot more old drunks than there is old doctors so I 'blieve I'll have another round".

[INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]Willie Nelson[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]

[NugginFutz]

Given the current political climate and how people have dropped all pretense of civility, I thought it appropriate to post some of my favorite insults.

When Insults Had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon )

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

[Kswhitetails]

If a redhead gets really good at martial arts, can we call them a "Ginja"?

[kmon]

I had been thinking on it for a long time. It made me uncomfortable to even consider the scenerio but I felt I had to know.

‘Honey, am I the only one you’ve ever been with?’

This took her by surprise and she paused. I tell you, I wanted to run.

I relaxed a little when she smiled a little smile.

‘Yes my love, you are the only one. All the rest were sevens and eights.’

[TraderRik]

That's funny right thar. In a twisted sort of way. (Which is probably why it I like it :>)

[kmon]

[BluntForceTrauma]

NgnFtz, this section was a good idea.

[kmon]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he cant do none of that stuff."

[NugginFutz]

NgnFtz, this section was a good idea.

Thanks. And as long as the submissions don't get it locked down, we can all enjoy it.

ETA: Based on both the submissions to this thread and some of the conversations I've had with him, I do believe kmon would be one helluva guy to sit on the tailgate and enjoy a cold beer with. It wouldn't be dull.

While I'm still here...


Today's riddle...

What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?


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Answer: Keep busy.

If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

[NugginFutz]

Today's riddle...

What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?


Scroll for answer
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Answer: Keep busy.

If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

[kmon]

Nug I would love to share some beer sitting on a tailgait or around a hunting campfire sometime. Quite sure there would be some laughs. If we ever make that happen I will buy the beer