2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day)

[Dead Center Miss]

This little boy and his sister get in trouble for stealing candy, and their mother makes them go to Sunday school.

Sunday rolls around and the little girl is sitting in front of her brother and falls asleep. The teacher sees her sleeping and says to herself "I know that little girl is asleep, so I'm gonna ask her a question and teach her a lesson".

So the clears her throat and says "little girl, who created the heavens and the earth?" The little boy starts to get scared thinking his sister is gonna get in trouble for sleeping in class, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a tack and pokes her with it. Little girl jumps up and yells "GOD ALMIGHTY!!!" So the teacher thinks to herself "well, I guess she was paying attention" and goes back to teaching, and the little girl falls asleep again.

The teacher sees her sleeping again and says to herself "I know that little girl is sleeping, so I'm gonna ask her another question and make her pay attention". So the ask "little girl, who is our Lord and savior?" And the little boy panics again and pokes her with the tack, and she jumps up and yells "JESUS CHRIST!!!" So the teacher admits to herself again that the little girl must be paying attention and goes back to teaching.

It doesn't take long, and the little girl falls asleep again. The teacher looks over and sees her sleeping and says to herself "I know that little girl is sleeping. Maybe she has been to Sunday school before. I'm gonna ask her a trick question to make her pay attention".

So she ask "little girl, what did eve say to adam after they had their 247th child?" And the little boy knows she is sleeping and pokes her with the tack again, and she jumps up and yells "IF YOU STICK THAT FRICKING THING IN ME INE MORE TIME, IM GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR AR$E!!!

[kmon]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down ...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,

"Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile - life is too short not to ! !

See you at the river!

Bring your own glass !

[kmon]

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday…

At the Club, the Doorman says, “Hi Jim, How are you?”

The Wife asks, “How does he know you?”

Jim says, “Oh, dear, I play football with him.”

Inside, the Bartender says, “The usual, Jim?”

Jim says to the wife, “Before you say anything, he’s on the darts team.”

Next a Stripper says, “Hi Jim! Do you crave the Special again?”

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi…

The Taxi Driver says, “Hey Jimmy Boy! Low on money? You picked up an ugly one this time…”

Jim’s funeral is on Sunday….

[NugginFutz]

One day, Dave was out filling his car at the corner station. Just as he finished paying, he noticed a hearse slowly going down the street, followed by another hearse. followed by a man walking solemnly, leading a dog. Behind the man and the dog were about 200 men, all walking in a long single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and said "I've never quite seen such a funeral procession. Whose funeral is this?"

The man replied, "My wife is in the first hearse."

"I'm sorry for your loss," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"She got mad and started a fight with me. My dog attacked and killed her."

Dave was taken aback. "That's terrible! But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She tried to help my wife and my dog attacked and killed her, too."

Dave walked silently alongside the man for a few moments, and then asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."

[kmon]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate
Exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a
Large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE
DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
Look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered
Quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, Honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

[NugginFutz]

Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she'd ever read.
It was so evil, in fact, she couldn't finish reading it. She drove to the shore, and threw it into the ocean.

I went to the book store, and bought another copy, ran it under the faucet and placed it in the night stand drawer, next to her bed. My father-in-law said it was the first time he ever saw her scream and faint.

I may go to hell for this, but I'll have a really good story when I get there.

[kmon]

Nuggin I had to use that M-I-L one on another site, good one sir

[MrDraco]

[kmon]

A little boy tells his teacher that he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asked the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" said the boy.


"YOU DID WHAT!?" Shrieked the teacher.

"Yeah", said the boy. "you know, I went psssst in his ear and it didn't move."

[kmon]

On a Saturday morning, a hunter got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed his shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. Then he cuddled up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now."

[montana]

The Wedding Ceremony


The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.

[kmon]

[kmon]

Got a new gun for the wife!









It was a fair trade

[kmon]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.


Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!


When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

[NugginFutz]

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the hen house and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[kmon]

Can I just ask everyone for a big favor? Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push the gun under the seat. It's too much drama. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.?? (Please keep this up and steal this post as I did...??)