2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day)

[Kswhitetails]

When you guys can make that happen, make sure to let me know. I'll bring something for the punch bowl.

[NugginFutz]

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About half way through the sermon, the wife leans
over and whispers to her husband,

"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Kswhitetails]

I was at the bank and an elderly lady came up to me and asked me to help her check her balance.

I told her that wasn't a good idea.

She explained that she had been observing me for some time and didn't think I was the kind of person she couldn't trust.

She had obviously put my fears at ease.

So, I pushed her, and she fell right over!

[Djgrendel]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Kswhitetails]

I met a leprechaun at the end of the rainbow, sitting atop his small bucket of gold.

"I want to live forever."

Sorry, I can't grant that one popular wish. I've been told by the higher-ups it creates problems.

"Fine." I said. "I want to live until the day after Congress is filled with only honest, hard working, bi-partizan men and women of common sense that are there to work diligently and only for the people they were elected to serve."

You cheeky, crafty bastard! "He" said with a grin.

[kmon]

[kmon]

[NugginFutz]

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "We'uns don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive.

"There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."


“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”


As he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

[kmon]

On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

[Kswhitetails]

Untitled by ., on Flickr

[NugginFutz]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]12220[/ATTACH]

[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]

I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive. The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter. So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my butt year round. The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.

[Randy99CL]

I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive. The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter. So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my butt year round. The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.

I think political jokes should be banned from this thread.
We haven't heard anything from Hillary in a while but T is blowing smoke (also called lying) to us every day.

[kmon]

Sorry if I offended you

[Randy99CL]

Thanks but you didn't offend me. I dislike Hillary but I'm sick of the flood of daily lies coming out of the white house.

[BluntForceTrauma]

I'm OK with political jokes. Both sides of the aisle are fair game for a roasting. Humor is a personal thing. Not everything is funny to everybody. Lots of humor is insulting. Don Rickles made a career of it. If a joke makes you roll your eyes or shake your head, ignore it and move on to the next.

Try and keep things mostly PG and lighthearted.

[Kswhitetails]

I thought I was wrong once. I was mistaken.

[NugginFutz]

[FONT=&quot]An elderly couple were attending a church service. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]About half way through the sermon, the wife leans [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]over and whispers to her husband, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."[/FONT]