2020 Joke of the Day

[kmon]

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Taylor County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday! ??
Copy and paste if you laughed??
This is definitely not my cousin, they all know I am broke.

[kmon]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football...and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

[Old Bob]

One Sunday the Devil appeared in a church. Frightened, everyone ran out except one old man. The Devil came up to him & asked, "Why didn't you run? Are you not afraid of me?"

The old man says, "Nope! I'm married to your sister!"

[Old Bob]

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[montana]

Great jokes guys

[Sinclair]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football...and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

According to my cousin's stories, they must live in one of the better neighborhoods.

[montana]

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[NugginFutz]

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[NugginFutz]

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[NugginFutz]

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[NugginFutz]

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[kmon]

[Old Bob]

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[NugginFutz]

SENIOR LOVE

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I'd throw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.


She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."


I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[NugginFutz]

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:


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"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"




At this point, an older gentleman stood up and inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[NugginFutz]

• Ratio of Igloo circumference to diameter = Eskimo Pi
  
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
  
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 Nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
  
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  
• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  
• Shortest distance between jokes = A straight line
  
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  
• 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
  
• 52 cards = 1 decacards
  
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
  
• 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
  
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
  
• 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
  
• 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
  
• 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
  

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]