Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drink, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling he wondered if he did something wrong.
Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them is a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he looks in the mirror and sees a black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?????"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
Broken coffee table - $239.00, hot breakfast - $4.20, two aspirin - .38; saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!!!!
We old folks sometimes have troubles with our computers & other electronic devices.
Yesterday I was having problems with my computer so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door. The kid is a computer whiz... his bedroom looks like NASA Mission Control. I asked Georgie if he could get me back online. I don't know what I did but I couldn't see my emails anymore.
The kid clicked a couple of keys & had my email back up almost immediately. My problem was solved in less than a minute. The kid started to leave when I called after him, "What was wrong with my computer?"
He replied, "It was a ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear too dumb, but nonetheless asked, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Georgie grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
I sheepishly muttered, "Nope. It's a new one on me."
"Write it down," he says. "I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: ID10T...
I used to like Georgie, the smart ass little turd.
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
An feller I know out in the super-blue state of California asked me what he might need in order to defend himself & his family from home invasion or from being mugged.
I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips & a box of shells.
A few days later he sent me this picture & asked me how to make it all work.
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I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
momma mole, papa mole and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the poppa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmmmmmmm, I smell sausage!"
The momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get past the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch petting his dog. He figures he will have a little fun, so he says to the farmer, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Old Farmer, "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog (via ventriloquist): "Doin' all right."
Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to farmer)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good food and takes me to the lake to play once a week."
Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Old Farmer: "Horse doesn't talk either, ....I think."
Ventriloquist : "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Old Farmer: (look of total amazement)
Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
After a long pause.....
Old Farmer: (in a panic) "The sheep's a dang liar!"
I can't recall the comedienne's name but her line about Australia was "Australia, where the men are men, the women are men and the sheep run scared". All apologies to our Australian brethren
Beer & drinking! Some observations by well known people...
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Babe Ruth
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Paul Hornung
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!" ~ H.L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sins. When we commit no sins , we go to heaven. So, lets all get drunk and go to heaven." ~ George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!" ~ W.C. Fields
"Remember, 'I' before 'E' except in Budweiser." ~ Professor Irwin Corey
"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" ~ Leo Durocher
From the TV sitcom series "Cheers." Cliff Clavin says to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move a fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that get killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box,
the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
~ Unknown Author
One day a florist went into a barbershop for a haircut. After the haircut, he asked how much he owed the barber. The barber said, " I cannot accept money this week because I have to perform community service." The florist was pleased & left the shop.
The next day the barber found a beautiful bouquet of roses waiting form him at his door with a thank you card from the florist.
Later, a policeman came in for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber told him the same thing, "I doing community service this week & cannot accept money for my services." The officer was happy & left the shop.
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his front door with a thank you note from the cop.
Then a congressman came in for a trim. When he tried to pay, the barber replied once more, "I cannot accept money because I'm doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy & left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen congressmen lined up for a free haircut.
That, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians we expect to run it.
Ronald Reagan once said, "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason."
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
When my friend goes to the ATM - or anywhere alone - she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She's never had any problems with mashers, muggers, rapists, panhandlers, smart asses, street punks or attorneys.
Smith is the one on the left!
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I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.", said his mother. "I don't need to.", Little Johnny answered.
"Of course you do," his mother answered, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Little Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
A coffin maker was making the delivery of a new coffin when his van started to have problems He pulled over and checked his engine and realized that it was beyond his abilities. He checked his watch and realized that because he was close to his customer he could still make the delivery. He took the coffin out and putting it up on his shoulder started walking towards the delivery site
A police officer saw him and thinking it was an awfully strange sight stopped the coffin maker and asked him 'What are you doing?' The man quickly answered ' I didn't like where they buried me so I'm relocating."
A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Momma, Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye to Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodby to Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed to be the thing to do."
The next day the grandfather died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in touch with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee and staring at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting."
