2020 Joke of the Day

[kmon]

[kmon]

thibgs as you grow older

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house

[kmon]

[kmon]

I got stopped around 2 a.m. last night by a TX State Trooper.
He asked "where are you going at this time of night." “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The trooper then asks, “really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” I replied, “That would be my wife, Sir."

HE LET ME Go

[Old Bob]

Running out of toilet paper? Grow your own!

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[stanc]

[video=youtube;I3xpRZITi2w]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3xpRZITi2w[/video]

[montana]

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[Old Bob]

Another COVID parody video from you tube. There are bunches of them there...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp-BrzUt...e=emb_logo

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[FLshooter]

Little Johnny
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire playboy,going to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s girl.”

[Old Bob]

What to do with your $1200 check... Important Tax Advice/Economic Stimulus

Sometime this year, we taxpayers might receive another economic stimulus.
It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?
A: No, only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check. Use it wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, it money will go to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in North America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale or thrift shop, or
(2) Going to a ballgame, or
(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos

These are the only American businesses still operating here.


CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

[Fess]

Old Bob, You are my new hero! Thanks for the advice.

[FLshooter]

What to do with your $1200 check... Important Tax Advice/Economic Stimulus

Sometime this year, we taxpayers might receive another economic stimulus.
It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?
A: No, only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check. Use it wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, it money will go to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in North America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale or thrift shop, or
(2) Going to a ballgame, or
(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos

These are the only American businesses still operating here.


CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

#2 is no longer an option because the season is cancelled.#3 is a risk and a waste, cause I get it at home. I exercise #4 daily especially on the ride home from work,40 ouncers!.And you forgot option #6,buy a custom quality 6.5 Grendel barrel and more bullets and powder.

[kmon]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down main street.

"But, officer," the man begins, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer I just wanted to say."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the Chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell, "I'm the groom."

[montana]

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[kmon]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder....'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad,

but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed,

and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly woman he's running around with.'

[NugginFutz]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him as he had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where it was I left me hat."

[NugginFutz]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol - [SIZE=6]Dead.[/SIZE]


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead




Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.




So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What can you learn from this demonstration? "



A little old lady sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


That pretty much ended the service

[kmon]

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q Do female frogs croak?

A Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how highshould you be?

A Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! KEEP ON LAUGHING TIL THE END!