2019 Joke of the Day

[pinetreebbs]

Wife texts husband: "Buy vegetables on your way home from the office. Priscilla says 'HI'."

Husband: "Who is Priscilla?"

Wife: "Nobody. I just wanted to make sure you read my text."

Husband: "Odd, because I'm with a Priscilla right now. Which Priscilla did you mean?"

Wife: "Where ARE you?"

Husband: "Near the vegetable market."

Wife: "Stay there. I'm on my way right now!"

Ten minutes later. Wife: "Where are you?"

Husband: "At the office. But since you're at the market, get whatever vegetables you need!"

[kmon]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers ? ?

[kmon]

[kmon]

[montana]

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[kmon]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[kmon]

[BluntForceTrauma]

Squirrels really do make you think they're deer, until you learn to recognize the difference.

[kmon]

What did socialists use before Candles?




Electricity

[kmon]

[montana]

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[kmon]

[TomSawyerNW]

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[Sinclair]

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LOL, good one. I come from a family that is not only Democrat voters but many were/are Party officials. The answer to every problem is to pass a new all inclusive law making the problem a felony and anyone associated with it a felon. To heck with figuring out why the problem exists and eliminating the root cause once and for all time.

P.S. TomSawyerNW, I agree with your catchy tag line. I fought in the bloodiest war in history. Between Winston Churchill's "Iron Curtain" Speech in Missouri and Ronald Reagon's "Mr Gorbachov, tear down this wall" speech in Berlin, somewhere around 250 million people died resisting the spread of communism after WWII and now we have politicians in Washington determined to turn the USA into another failed communist country. I am a tired, sick, crippled old man, but I will be damned if I will give up my guns and become a peasant. To paraphrase Patrick Henry, I prefer death to slavery. You will never understand how proud I was when my forum status was upgraded from blood stained to warrior for I have been a warrior all my life.

[JASmith]

Hear! Hear!

Well said!

[montana]

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[kmon]

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[TomSawyerNW]

Thank

LOL, good one. I come from a family that is not only Democrat voters but many were/are Party officials. The answer to every problem is to pass a new all inclusive law making the problem a felony and anyone associated with it a felon. To heck with figuring out why the problem exists and eliminating the root cause once and for all time.

P.S. TomSawyerNW, I agree with your catchy tag line. I fought in the bloodiest war in history. Between Winston Churchill's "Iron Curtain" Speech in Missouri and Ronald Reagon's "Mr Gorbachov, tear down this wall" speech in Berlin, somewhere around 250 million people died resisting the spread of communism after WWII and now we have politicians in Washington determined to turn the USA into another failed communist country. I am a tired, sick, crippled old man, but I will be damned if I will give up my guns and become a peasant. To paraphrase Patrick Henry, I prefer death to slavery. You will never understand how proud I was when my forum status was upgraded from blood stained to warrior for I have been a warrior all my life.

Thank you, Sinclair. And thank you for your service to this country.

[kmon]

[NugginFutz]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.