2019 Joke of the Day

[pinetreebbs]

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[kmon]

Nike has a new slogan

JUST GLUE IT

[montana]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[montana]

For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

[kmon]

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what happened to your bike?"

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your bike back?"

"Yeah."

"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about Thou shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.

"Hey I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike."

[kmon]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

[montana]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Where do you come up with these??

[kmon]

[kmon]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

"Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

"Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

Abd thati when the fight started

[kmon]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food!
My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride!
My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch!
My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones!
My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people!
My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe. For now................

[NugginFutz]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

Proof that dogs live in the moment.

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Proof that cats are selfish, narcissistic demons.


Another observation on the difference between cats and dogs...

Dogs have owners, whereas cats have staff.

BTW - no matter how many times I let the damned cat outside, the little bastard manages to elude the predators and comes home in the middle of the night, howling until someone lets it back in.

[kmon]

Well, here it is, the difference between GrandFathers and Grandmothers:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single a**hole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's a**, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dips**t, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[kmon]

Networking 101

[BluntForceTrauma]

"Manage expectations." Ha! And I love The Princess Bride.

[montana]

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[kmon]

[url=https://postimg.cc/jWSDfcDG]

[NugginFutz]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of off-color "dumb blonde" jokes, when a
well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair
color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is
morons like you that prevent women like myself from getting respect at work
and in our communities, and from reaching our full potential, because you and
your anachronistic kind continue perpetuating negative images, not only
against blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."

You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to
discrimination laws in every civilized country, but deeply offensive to
people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.
You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

[montana]

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[NugginFutz]

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Unbelievably, this year I’m getting my first refund since Clinton took office. I can’t decide between new optics or new boom stick.

[montana]

Unbelievably, this year I’m getting my first refund since Clinton took office. I can’t decide between new optics or new boom stick.

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