2019 Joke of the Day

[NugginFutz]

Out with the old, and in with the new!

Again, in honor of our boards leader and owner, BFT, I'd like to open this thread with some more Minnesota-style humor.

Bad News
[FONT=&amp]The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, “Lena, promise me. [/FONT]Swear to me that when I’m gone, you’ll marry Sven Svenson.”
“SVEN SVENSON???” she shrieks. “You’ve hated him all your life!”
Ole answers, “Yep, I still do.”

Days later...

The Newspaper
[FONT=&amp]Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Ole died.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The clerk looks up. “What else?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Nothing else.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Nope.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Ten words, and it won’t cost extra?” she asks. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The clerk nods. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.” [/FONT]

[montana]

A police officer was staking out a well-known bar to bust some potential DWI-ers. As it neared closing time, an extremely intoxicated man stumbled out of the bar and spent 30 minutes looking for his car. When all the other drivers had left, the drunk finally located his vehicle. He spent another 20 minutes fumbling for his keys and trying to unlock his car. Finally, he got in and eventually managed to start his car. As soon as he pulled away, the police officer went after him and pulled him over, giving him the breathalizer test. It came up negative. “How could this be?” the officer sputtered. “I saw you! You were falling all over the place!” The driver grinned and said, “Tonight I’m the Designated Decoy.”

[kmon]

A child was taught about marriage at school. (Private Christian school)

The mom and dad was talking with the child over dinner and then the topic of the teacher speaking about marriage in class came up. The mom asked what the child learned about marriage from the teacher.

The child said they learned that one man and one woman should get married, and that they should stay married. If they did stay married to each other, and only each other, then they'd have what is called "a monotonous relationship."

[montana]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow! I’ve never served a weasel before. What Can I get ya?”

“Pop.” Goes the Weasel.

[montana]

The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite.

Then everything crashed.

[BlogSarge]

Abraham told his son, Isaac, that he wanted to run the newest Windows software.

Isaac told Abraham there wasn’t enough memory on their computer.

To which, Abraham replied, God will provide the RAM.

[BlogSarge]

I think Ole and Lena are my neighbors.....

I saw a sign in their yard, “Boat for Sale”. I told Ole, “But you haven’t got a boat. You just have your old John Deere tractor and a snowmobile”.

Ole said, “Yup, dere boat for sale!”

[BlogSarge]

I was ice fishing and not catching a thing. Ole was ten fet away and reeling them in as fast as he could bait his hook.

I asked his secret, he replied “hmmpph yer hmrmph rmmm”. I asked again, he replied, “hmmpph yer hmrmph rmmm”. I told him I couldn’t understand. He spit gobs of stuff from his mouth and said, “Keep your worms warm!”

[NugginFutz]

[pinetreebbs]

On December 17, 1903 the Wright Brothers flew 852 feet.

That's 852 feet farther than Nancy Pelosi flew on January 17, 2019.

[NugginFutz]

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died. All three are faced with God, who wants to know what they believe in.


The German shepherd says, “I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master.”


“Good,” says God. “Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?”


The Doberman answers, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”


“Ah, yes,” said God. “You may sit to my left.”


Then he looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?”



The cat answers, “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”

[montana]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_bXmXD1g30

[kmon]

Never ask a drunk a question

As a single mom was shopping at the local supermarket - she selected basic stuff:
Milk
Eggs
Orange juice
Coffee
Bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk man in line watched as items were being unloaded. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated to the woman, "You must be single."

A bit startled by this proclamation, she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition. She looked at the items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "’Cause you're ugly."

[kmon]

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

[kmon]

[AZHTfreak]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]13606[/ATTACH]

[kmon]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.

But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: March 21, 2012

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

[bj139]

Kmon, stop it now. I can't breathe.

[kmon]

[montana]

Kmon, stop it now. I can't breathe.

+1