2020 Joke of the Day

[montana]

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[kmon]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

[montana]

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[MrDraco]

[kmon]

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's off and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem toSo recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me about it!"

"Well, we were on the 5th tee and this hole is a monster Mother - 540 part par 5, with a nasty dog leg right, a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. Ant it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted....and it hit a bird in mid-flight."

"Oh my!" commiserated theMother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods , grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green and the ball rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, "You missed the eff---- putt, didn't you?"

[Old Bob]

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[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The Dr. said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Old Bob]

From my daily log book...

"DAY 217 Corona Virus Quarantine: My recycling guy had the audacity to tape an Alcoholics Anonymous brochure to my glass bottle recycling container.":mad:

[Old Bob]

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[Sinclair]

From my daily log book...

"DAY 217 Corona Virus Quarantine: My recycling guy had the audacity to tape an Alcoholics Anonymous brochure to my glass bottle recycling container.":mad:

Old Bob, you are lucky, Alcoholism is reversible. Think about all of the young women that are going to be single moms after this is all over with!

[Old Bob]

Old Bob, you are lucky, Alcoholism is reversible. Think about all of the young women that are going to be single moms after this is all over with!

Not by me! :eek:

[Fess]

When my wife and I started the move to a new house, I went to a liquor store to pick up some boxes. I decided that I would only get boxes from expensive booze. If our new neighbors were to think that we are drunks, at least let them think that we are CLASSY drunks!

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

[montana]

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[Old Bob]

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[kmon]

A SURGE IN THE URGE TO MERGE


Investment tips for 2021

With all the turmoil in the world today due to the Chinese Plague this might be some good advice. For all of you who might be interested, be aware of these expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations next year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Industries will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang