2020 Joke of the Day

[kmon]

[kmon]

[phishfood]

Maybe I don't hate Disney quite so much anymore.

[FLshooter]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of - first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[montana]

When our politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk,
was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and
women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury
those that did not return."
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers were taking part, including
French and American.
During a break, one of the French engineers came Back into the room saying,
"Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.
What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
"Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred
people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power
to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed
3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons
of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S.,
English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception,
he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included
personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?"
the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you
should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in
France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a
passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.

[Kswhitetails]

here here!

[FLshooter]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15521[/ATTACH]

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15552[/ATTACH]

[Kswhitetails]

My four year old asked me today where poo came from. I recoiled at the question, "Who or what were you influenced by to come up with THAT question?"

After a few minutes of him looking at me, apparently deciding that I was trying to formulate how to accurately answer his question, I relented and explained the whole thing. Food becomes nutrients, bodily functions, and finally, poo!

He too thought a few minutes. Finally asked another question, with hesitation that seemed appropriate.

"And, Tigger?"

[kmon]

[NugginFutz]

[FONT=&quot]Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][ATTACH=CONFIG]15577[/ATTACH][FONT=&quot]
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
[/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][B][B][B][B][B][B][FONT=&quot]


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
[/FONT]


[B][FONT=&quot]# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN[/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][B][B][B][B][B][B][B][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B]

[NugginFutz]

In one episode of 'Cheers',

Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15578[/ATTACH]

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[FLshooter]

[FONT=&quot]Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][ATTACH=CONFIG]15577[/ATTACH][FONT=&quot]
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][B][FONT=&quot]
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
[/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][B][B][B][B][B][B][FONT=&quot]


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
[/FONT]


[B][FONT=&quot]# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN[/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][B][B][B][B][B][B][B][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B][/B]

Amen to that!

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15583[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15584[/ATTACH]

[Old Bob]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15661[/ATTACH]

[kmon]

[montana]

We are living in Bizarre World:
• If a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.
• Some how It’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.
• Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.
• It was cool for Joe Biden to blackmail the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.
• Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
• Sexualizing children is bad, but 11-year-old drag queens are good.
• Illegals aren't required to show ID, but citizens can't buy cough medicine without it.
• Citizens are fined if they don’t buy their own health insurance, and then they are forced to buy it for illegals.
• People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.
• Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing people in restaurants is virtuous.
• People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.
• Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
• Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.
• $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care for illegals is not.
• If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
• Politicians who say that the President is not above the law put illegal immigrants and themselves above the law.
• People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.
• Illegals don’t pay taxes, but they get tax refunds.
• We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.
• Voter suppression is bad, but not allowing the President to be on the ballot is good.
• Fourth-of-July parades are bad, but parades of women dressed as vaginas are good.
• Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
• criminals are catch and released to hurt more people but stopping them is bad

And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes you a "racist".

[CJW]

Great read Montana.

[1075 tech]

I wish we had a "like" button.