2020 Joke of the Day

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15277[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15279[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15280[/ATTACH]

[Old Bob]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15282[/ATTACH]

[montana]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTaUc6H9aPg

[kmon]

[phishfood]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTaUc6H9aPg

Made me pee me undarware!!

[kmon]

[kmon]

[Old Bob]

A couple are sitting on the sofa watching TV. The husband has the remote & keeps switching between a fishing channel & a porn channel. His annoyed wife says, "Why don't you leave it on the porn channel? You already know how to fish."

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15341[/ATTACH]

[kmon]

-------I CAN RELATE TO A LOT OF THESE

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say
“Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning
tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[FLshooter]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15348[/ATTACH]

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15349[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15350[/ATTACH]

[FLshooter]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

[kmon]

And so true!

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now in Congress, probably in your district.

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15352[/ATTACH]

[FLshooter]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15364[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15368[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15369[/ATTACH]

[montana]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]15403[/ATTACH][ATTACH=CONFIG]15408[/ATTACH]

[montana]

How to tell if someone is a Republican, a Democrat, or just a Southerner.
Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:
You?re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you?
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
******************************
Democrat?s Answer:
Well, that?s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he?d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
******************************
Republican?s Answer:
BANG!
******************************
Southerner?s Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click?..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.
Daughter: ?Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!?
Son: ?Can I shoot the next one?!?
Wife: ?You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!?

[A5BLASTER]

Lmffao.