2019 Joke of the Day

[pinetreebbs]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, and Skater Barbie, all of which cost $19.95 each and we also have Divorced Barbie, for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: 'Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's balls

[montana]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[NugginFutz]

[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]

[kmon]

Too true to be funny but here ya go

[JASmith]

That is too true to be funny.

[montana]

That is too true to be funny.

+1

[montana]

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[kmon]

[/quote]

[kmon]

[kmon]

[A5BLASTER]

Lmao. Seen this on Toledo bend fishing reports lmao.

[kmon]

[montana]

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[kmon]

[kmon]

Little second grader Kathy was working on her addition with her mother's help. Kathy said, " one plus three, that sumbich is four." "Four plus four, that sumbich is eight". Her mother was alarmed, and asked her to say those problems again. Same thing. Mom asked Kathy where she learned that way to do math and she said her teacher taught her that today. Mom said, " We'll see about that!", and proceeded to call Ms. French the teacher.

Mom said to Ms. French. "I'm calling because Kathy said you taught her to curse in math today and I'm angry about it." Ms. French was alarmed and replied, "whatever are you talking about?" Mom repeated what Kathy was saying, " one plus one and that sumbich is 2" and so forth. Ms. French laughed out loud and Mom was flustered, "What?" Ms. French said here is what I said in class, " one plus one the sum of which is 2". Mom almost fainted from laughing. Enjoy.

[kmon]

Recently I accompanied my wife to a Doctors appointment. As we were leaving the Doctors office in the crowded elevator as it descended, My wife became increasingly furious with me, as I was seemingly delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous big chested blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around and slapped me across the face, and said, "That will teach you to pinch you pervert."

Bewildered, not wanting to say anything, I was halfway to the parking lot with my wife when I choked out in a feeble voice, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"I know you didn't" said my wife, consolingly. "I did."

[kmon]