2019 Joke of the Day

[kmon]

[montana]

A cnn reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a "make america great again" hat. It didn't take an einstein to know the guy was a donald trump supporter.

The cnn guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, "drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that trump supporter."

after the drinks were handed out the trump guy gives the cnn guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, "thank you!"

this infuriates the cnn reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the trump hat. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, "thank you!"

so the cnn guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the trump guy. And again the trump guy just smiles and yells back, "thank you!"

at that point the aggravated cnn reporter asks the bartender, "what the hell is the matter with that trump supporter? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"nope," replies the bartender. "he owns the place."

[kmon]

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[kmon]

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. "It's taped under the modem," I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

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[NugginFutz]

Doctors Never Laugh

Bob told his doctor he had a problem, but first he had to promise not to laugh.

The Doctor replied, "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"


"It's swollen," Bob replied.

[NugginFutz]

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[FONT=&amp]None of that Sissy [/FONT][FONT=&amp]Crap[/FONT]

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Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,[/FONT][/INDENT]

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[INDENT=2][FONT=&amp]but never actually come close to reality?

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[INDENT=2][FONT=&amp]Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.[/FONT][/INDENT]

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You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this "card"-[/FONT][/INDENT]

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[INDENT=2][FONT=&amp]Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
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[TD][INDENT]1. [/INDENT]
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[INDENT]When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.[/INDENT]

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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]2.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]3.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]4. [/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]5. [/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]6.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you are confused -- I will use little words.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]7. [/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]8.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]9.[/INDENT]
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[TD="align: left"][INDENT]This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
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[INDENT]'Because you are my friend'.
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Friendship is like peeing your pants:

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.[/TD]
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[Warlock]

https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/29...081153.jpg


https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/29...081207.jpg

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[kmon]

[montana]

A senior citizen from Dayton, Ohio drove his brand new Corvette stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp north on I 75, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
?Amazing,? he thought as he flew down I 75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him, lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 MPH, then 120, then 150. Suddenly, he thought, ?What am I doing? I?m too old for this,? and pulled over to await the troopers arrival. Pulling up behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said ?Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is my Friday. If you can give me a reason I?ve never heard before, I?ll let you go.?
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, ?years ago my wife ran off with a Ohio State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.?
?Have a good day Sir,? replied the trooper.

[kmon]