2019 Joke of the Day

[NugginFutz]

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Thanks for getting nasal coffee on my shirt, first thing, today!

[kmon]

A carpet layer had just finished installing....carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my hamster."

[kmon]

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

[kmon]

[kmon]

She told me I had to stop

...drinking beer. It seems we just can’t afford it.

Then UPS came with her new purse and load of makeup. $200!

‘Why do I have to stop spending but you don’t!?!’

‘Well sweetie, all this stuff is to make me look good to you.’

‘Honey, that’s what the beer is for.’

I hope she brings me a sammich if she comes back.

[kmon]

[kmon]

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F

[montana]

Celibacy


What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[montana]

1. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2018
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish, hates the planet, is inconsiderate of Mother Nature and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Nor does he care of climate change or global warming. He only does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)

Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of exam there are counsellors available to assist your adjustment back into the real world. We can also offer safe places and hankies if you didn’t understand the question and/or know how to answer correctly. You will still receive your test participation trophy that you will enjoy for years. Please leave the name & phone of your mother so we can text her to pick you up. We hope you get many hugs and kisses.

6. Teaching Math In 2050
هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب100 دولار. تكلفة الإنتاج هو80 دولاراً. كيف الكثيرمن المالولم؟

Any Questions?

[kmon]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Mike proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[montana]

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[NugginFutz]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.


(Apologies, but my mother sent this to me while I was dating my present wife.)

[NugginFutz]

The Cruise


A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[NugginFutz]

Notice To My Pets

[SIZE=2]Dear pets,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help you because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is not but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door that I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for you following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.[/SIZE]

[montana]

Nuggin, those were great

[kmon]

Nug I agree with Montana those are great

[kmon]

A trucker was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas ...
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper ...
Trooper walks up to the door ...
Trucker ... Can I help you officer ?
Trooper .. was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held at ....

[montana]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[snell]

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[kmon]

An over heard two guys talking at church last Sunday while near the nursery after service.
One of the guys said his test tube baby new born son was healthy but was informed down at the County hospital that he could never be a truck driver.
The man sobbed as he shook his head, I could hear him mutter
Only if he had of been Peterbilt.