2019 Joke of the Day

[terrywick4]

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[kmon]

[NugginFutz]

Did you hear about the blonde who kept putting the same document into the fax machine, over and over? Her boss received a call from the recipient, complaining about multiple copies of the document. She located the blonde, still at the fax machine. When asked why she was sending the same document so many times, the blonde explained that it kept coming back, so she was re-sending it until it finally got delivered.

(This is a true story for which I can personally vouch.)

[montana]

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[NugginFutz]

[NugginFutz]

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[kmon]

A man owned a ranch in Texas.

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “

The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”

“You already are” replied the rancher.

[kmon]

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it has been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’

Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional

‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had intimate relations with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green .. ?’

‘A new woman in the neighborhood father', he replied. …

‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down on a pew right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes!"

[kmon]

Barack and Michelle are at a baseball game sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind the president. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner, who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!” So, Barack shrugs and says, “Well, if it will help my poll numbers.” He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.

The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You were right. I would have never believed that!” Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!”

[montana]

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no...”

"I was paroled".

[montana]

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away. A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank.. Frank '......

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leo-- it's me, Leo."

"You're not Leo, Leo just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo!. Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[kmon]

A girl and guy are laying in bed after having relations.

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

[kmon]

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!" with the exception of a few mice only coming to church on Christmas and Easter.
But then I Circumcised one, and have never see another.

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[NugginFutz]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

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A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look
at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch
didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy
and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the
man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle
and then handed it back to the woman The woman took the bottle,
immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

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