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+--- Thread: 2019 Joke of the Day (/showthread.php?tid=18018)
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 05-06-2019
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2019 Joke of the Day - JASmith - 05-06-2019
I like that!
Neatly illustrates contradictory thinking by some members of our society.
2019 Joke of the Day - Lemonaid - 05-29-2019
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-06-2019
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking companys lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didnt you say, at the moment of the accident, Im fine.' asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the
I did not ask you for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, Im fine?'
Clyde said, Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.
The lawyer interrupted again and said Judge, Im trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clydes answer and said to the lawyer Id like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, how are you feeling?
Now, what the heck would you say?
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-06-2019
![[Image: full-1546-189669-bills.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/06/full-1546-189669-bills.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-06-2019
![[Image: full-16668-188307-image.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/05/full-16668-188307-image.jpg)
![[Image: full-19470-188569-cc659e0b47ce8ce81f8f7dc1d6d1cca4.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/05/full-19470-188569-cc659e0b47ce8ce81f8f7dc1d6d1cca4.jpg)
[/quote]
![[Image: full-48214-189505-00small27561440.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/06/full-48214-189505-00small27561440.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-07-2019
![[Image: full-1546-189765-monkey.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/06/full-1546-189765-monkey.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - Lemonaid - 06-08-2019
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand.
He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
2019 Joke of the Day - TexHill - 06-14-2019
![[Image: Jjoie0r.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/Jjoie0r.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 06-14-2019
Theres a happy little bush behind a rock, here. No ones going to know its there besides us.
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-15-2019
![[Image: full-54774-190565-lumbersource.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/06/full-54774-190565-lumbersource.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - JASmith - 06-16-2019
I see that someone else let pressure treated limber dry while it was sitting loose!
I now regret not having taken pictures of once straight boards that would rival your tree!
2019 Joke of the Day - AZHTfreak - 06-16-2019
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2019 Joke of the Day - terrywick4 - 06-16-2019
AZHTfreak Wrote:[ATTACH=CONFIG]14360[/ATTACH]
If that aint the truth
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 06-23-2019
A friend of my mother's, Frank, went to high school with her in Wisconsin. I thought you might enjoy some of his notes from a trip to Texas.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. The other two judges, both native Texans, assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks are crazy.[/INDENT]
Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.[/INDENT]
Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty; good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.[/INDENT]
Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.[/INDENT]
Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I expelled gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
[/INDENT]
Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.[/INDENT]
Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing: It’s too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.[/INDENT]
Chili #8: Helen’s Mount St. Chili[INDENT]JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili, safe for all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: (Editor’s note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report.)[/INDENT]
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 06-26-2019
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.
"Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-28-2019
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there-after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 06-30-2019
![[Image: full-54774-192130-rememberwhat.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/06/full-54774-192130-rememberwhat.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - NightFisher - 07-02-2019
Good policing.
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2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 07-03-2019
![[Image: full-18696-192356-d9c21c9f_cca3_40e0_a79...011d8.jpeg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/07/full-18696-192356-d9c21c9f_cca3_40e0_a792_69bbb5e011d8.jpeg)