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2019 Joke of the Day - AZHTfreak - 04-01-2019
montana Wrote:...Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of exam there are counsellors available to assist your adjustment back into the real world. We can also offer safe places and hankies if you didnt understand the question and/or know how to answer correctly. You will still receive your test participation trophy that you will enjoy for years. Please leave the name & phone of your mother so we can text her to pick you up. We hope you get many hugs and kisses.
6. Teaching Math In 2050
هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب100 دولار. تكلفة الإنتاج هو80 دولاراً. كيف الكثيرمن المالولم؟
Any Questions?
Bwhahahahaha... Was at a long red light and almost drove off the road, priceless!
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-02-2019
![[Image: full-54774-183186-roadwarning.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/04/full-54774-183186-roadwarning.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - Warlock - 04-03-2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZgD89VYkVc
2019 Joke of the Day - montana - 04-03-2019
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary,
that cute little blonde waitress
At the coffee shop where I sometime go?
'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?'
'Well, she filed rape charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court , I pleaded 'guilty.'
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury"
2019 Joke of the Day - montana - 04-03-2019
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2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-04-2019
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know: I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says: "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says "You are."
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-04-2019
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that mess in our garden."
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-06-2019
![[Image: 5115a3bc-b500-4055-be95-a9b8e85fb2ee.jpg]](https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/5115a3bc-b500-4055-be95-a9b8e85fb2ee.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-06-2019
![[Image: efb62df4-373a-4093-b1c1-2e4a682d0d70.jpg]](https://gallery.mailchimp.com/34dcfc0a91102ec1b8f40af94/images/efb62df4-373a-4093-b1c1-2e4a682d0d70.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-07-2019
![[Image: full-1274-183459-bike.png]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/04/full-1274-183459-bike.png)
2019 Joke of the Day - montana - 04-07-2019
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2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-08-2019
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-10-2019
Sven and Ole are putting up a barn. The two have decided to work on opposite sides of the barn, as they put the walls up. As the morning wears on, Sven notices that Ole is going to the truck for more nails quite often. Thinking that Ole is doing well, he walks around to the other side. To Sven's dismay, he sees that Ole hasn't finished anywhere near what he expected. As Sven watches, Ole picks up a nail, and hammers it in. Ole then picks up another nail, and drops it to the ground. He then picks up another and hammers it in, but throws away the next. This goes on for a while, until Sven asks; "Ole! Why are you wasting so dadgummed many nails like dat?" Ole replied; "Dey're no good, Sven. Da fool things are pointed on da wrong end!". Exasperated, Sven explains; "Ole, you idiot! Doze nails are for da other side of da barn, by golly!"
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-10-2019
Sven and Ole were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin. Ole would dig a hole and Sven would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Lars, who plants da trees, called in sick.'
2019 Joke of the Day - LRRPF52 - 04-10-2019
Folks, let's keep this thread clean if you will.
I have a daughter with a photographic memory who recently learned that it's fun to read over daddy's shoulder, both at the computer and my phone, and I'm not quick enough to do anything about it anymore.
My wife and I ask each other questions about when such and such happened, and the girl, having overheard us, will blurt out very authoritatively, "That was on Tuesday, December XX, 2015."
We check the calendar and wouldn't you know, she is always right.
Kinda scary...She's been this way for a few years now and is only 7.
She likes to collect the orders from my office and run them upstairs or to the mail lady, so if I'm on the forum, she'll snapshot whatever she sees on the screen.
A lot of the jokes have been very funny and in good taste, but it appears we have stepped off that track lately with some of the posts. Let's keep it family-friendly moving forward.
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-10-2019
Thanks for the Reminder Paul. Here is one I heard at Church recently
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-11-2019
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Tower told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shutdown.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 04-11-2019
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. One of these is near and dear to me because I swear I was a passenger on the flight...
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 04-14-2019
![[Image: full-24125-184223-24874_862bf30dff86ea70...a2d29f.jpg]](https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2019/04/full-24125-184223-24874_862bf30dff86ea70c43401b36ba2d29f.jpg)
2019 Joke of the Day - montana - 04-15-2019
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