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2019 Joke of the Day - Printable Version

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2019 Joke of the Day - Rangerofthenorth - 02-09-2019

Wolverine, Grendel, and Beowulf walk into a bar. They sit down and holler at the mountainous bartender for drinks. Wolverine says " I'm lean and mean and terrible too!" , gulps his drink and slams it down breaking the glass to pieces. Grendel says "I can strike like lightning and hit like thunder!", downs his drink and throws the glass through the wall. Beowulf says "I hit harder than an erupting volcano!", drinks his, and brings down his arm breaking the oak bartop in half. They ask the now pissed off bartender which one of them would he choose to win in battle. He replies "None of ye! I'd choose meself!" They laugh and say "Who are YOU!?" He says "Me name's Barrett, and I can whip all three of ye together!", and proceeds to beat them out the door!


2019 Joke of the Day - TomSawyerNW - 02-10-2019

I stole this from someone else, which seems so close to reality that it might not be funny at all.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was asked about “Roe vs Wade” and she responded with "Depends on how deep the water is."


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-10-2019

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father responded, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-11-2019

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-11-2019

SAFETY FIRST

[Image: full-32709-177805-0i5mm2nl3.jpg]


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-12-2019

The Test

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-17-2019

-Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***


2019 Joke of the Day - TomSawyerNW - 02-17-2019

kmon Wrote:the test

a man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "what's with the money in the jar?"

"well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new lexus."

the man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "what are the three tests?"

"you gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

so, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - you have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"second - there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"third - there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



the man is stunned! "i know i paid my $10 -- but i'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

as time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "where's the damn tequila?!"

he grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


lmao!


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-17-2019

Yep, the pet snake was not doing so well recently. Apparently no energy. Just laying there, limp. Finally took him to the vet. Cost me a couple hundred to find out he had “reptile dysfunction’.


A prescription for Boagra stiffened him right up


2019 Joke of the Day - GregP42 - 02-19-2019

Had an older man tell me a joke at work, he is near 80 I would guess...

What do you call a bunch of kids born in a whore house?

Brothel sprouts.....


2019 Joke of the Day - bj139 - 02-19-2019

kmon, man. You almost suffocated me again. Keep up the good work.Big Grin


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-19-2019

[Image: full-16668-172160-image.jpg]


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-19-2019

After studying copious amounts of empirical data, I have come to hypothesize that the angle of the dangle must be equal to the 'fall of the ball'. The 'ying and yang', if you will. Otherwise, databases may be corrupted and incongruencies arise.

My 2 cents


2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 02-20-2019

As I recall my father once conveying,

"The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the mass of the @ss, inversely proportional to the heat of the meat, and a reciprocal of the testicle."

I see your 2 cents and raise you another 5.


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-20-2019

Big Grin


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-20-2019

[Image: full-32709-178745-49535968_2207431419317...5584_n.jpg]


2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 02-22-2019

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2019 Joke of the Day - NugginFutz - 02-22-2019

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


2019 Joke of the Day - kmon - 02-22-2019

Nugg #1 reminded me of this
[Image: full-48214-178758-00small42614938.jpg]


2019 Joke of the Day - 1075 tech - 02-22-2019

Reminds me of the joke told by Larry the Cable Guy. About how his cousin (or friend or?) got fired from his job for sticking his finger in the pickle slicer. But, to be fair, she got fired too!