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+--- Thread: 2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) (/showthread.php?tid=16359)
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-14-2018
A lonely old man decides to get a pet talking centipede...
He takes the centipede home and sets up a cage for him. The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the centipede, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?" The centipede doesn't respond. Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?" The centipede still doesn't respond and the man walks away sad. Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please go to dinner with me?" To which the centipede responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-15-2018
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - BluntForceTrauma - 06-15-2018
Latest from Godzilla Creek Arsenal.
I wonder what this is chambered in?
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Kswhitetails - 06-20-2018
Oh, that's the new 600 Creedmoor that's all the rage with the PRS crowd. M4800 profile. Seems like it'd be okay, but terminal ballistics wise - well, it leaves a lot to chance. Caveat Emptor, folks.
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - The Adjuster - 06-20-2018
The origin of, you have got to be shitting me came from.
General Washington and his men were crossing the Delaware one evening. As they were about half way all of a sudden, a bad storm developed and the waves were crashing the bow and they could not see the other side of the river. At that point the general ordered Corporal Peters to get at the front of the boat with a lantern, so he could light the way. As they rowed forward the storm became fiercer and the boat started to almost overturn. Just then Corporal Peters was thrown from the boat into the murky waters. They yelled and searched for Corporal Peters, but he was nowhere to be found. They finally made it across the river. Exhausted they made their way through the wood in seek of shelter. In the distance they see a house with the lights on. Once at the house the general knocks on the door. Much to his surprise it was a house of ill repute. The madam looks at the General with a big smile on her face and asked how many of you are there. The General looks at her with a tear in his eye and says 12 of us but sorry to say we are without Peters. Just then madam uttered the words for the first time, you have got to be shitting me.
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-21-2018
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Concerned in Camarillo
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-21-2018
BluntForceTrauma Wrote:Latest from Godzilla Creek Arsenal.
I wonder what this is chambered in?
I want to see the crows foot he uses to tighten the barrel nut...
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-21-2018
Off of memory but from Milton Berle , so it is not a direct quote.
How the definition of success changes throughout a mans life.
6 Years old /Success is not wetting the bed.
16 Years old / Success is Getting Lucky
26 Years old / Success is Making a lot of money
56 Years old / Success Is Getting Lucky
76 Years old / Success is Not wetting the bed
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - grayfox - 06-23-2018
So on the 6th day God created Adam, and saw he was lonely. He says "I can make you a pure-beauty wife, who will tend to all your wants and needs, always believe in you and follow you and love you to the end." Adam asks, "ok... what's this gonna cost me?" The Lord says "An arm and a leg..." So Adam thinks it over, then asks, "what can I get for a rib?"
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Crusty - 06-23-2018
The first thing Adam said to Eve " Stand back, I don't how big this thing is gonna get". ☺
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-24-2018
Last night, my wife and I had words.
It's just that I didn't get to use mine.
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-24-2018
How is this for logic? The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service proposed an alternative for controlling the coyote population to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association. For years ranchers had shot and trapped coyotes, but the tree-huggers wanted a "more humane" solution: Capture the coyotes alive, castrate the males, and release them all again and the population would be controlled.
The ranchers considered this idea for about a minute before an old boy stood up in the back of the room and said, "I don't think you boys understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't mating with our sheep -- they're eatin em!"
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - MrDraco - 06-24-2018
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-24-2018
![[Image: full-54774-152522-coffeetequila.png]](http://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/usergals/2018/06/full-54774-152522-coffeetequila.png)
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-24-2018
A judge was interviewing an Alabama woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two car carport and have never really needed one because we don't have a car"
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap --- but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?”
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-24-2018
The Wedding:
A father texts his son:
"My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My deepest love and best wishes.
Your Father"
His son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies: "I know."
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-24-2018
![[Image: full-14913-152382-up_5_right_2.jpg]](http://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/usergals/2018/06/full-14913-152382-up_5_right_2.jpg)
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - AZHTfreak - 06-24-2018
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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 06-26-2018
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm
God."
2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 06-29-2018
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."